I THOUGHT I would start a gloomy 2018 with a lighthearted look at three silly habits of women that I have noticed. The first two are annoying, the third dangerous.

They watch the bus coming from a quarter of a mile away, get on, bang a bag on the floor and start rummaging in the bag for a purse, then rummage in the purse for money or a bus pass!

Where is the steam coming from? Is it the bus drivers' ears, or mine? (Most of the drivers have the patience of a saint).

They come on the bus looking like they are auditioning for the part of the monster in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

Then you realise they are not deformed, but have a phone jammed between their head and shoulder.

They then, in a loud voice, talk about all sorts of stuff you don't want to hear.

The third 'habit' is the women with prams or buggies who stop at the kerb. Their feet are on the kerb but the prams/buggies are on the road!

I lost count of the times I had to swerve when I was driving. Come on ladies!

I've also noticed a number of 'trends', such as people who wear glasses on top of their head or on the end of their nose.

You don't have eyes on top of your head, unless you're a frog, and you don't have eyes on the end of your nose, unless you're an anteater.

Next, the young men sporting beards. Do they think it manly to look like an advert for the Islamic State? Or is it the price of razor blades?

Going bald? Hey, shave the napper, completely, and be 'cool'. Well, you will be in this weather.

It worked for actors like Yul Brynner, Telly 'Kojak' Savalas, Bruce Willis and singers Phil Collins, Midge Ure and Buster Bloodvessel.

Head cold? Don't get a flat cap (bunnet) – too much like Victor Meldrew.

For those going bald who can't be bothered to cut, comb or wash their hair, get a baseball cap.

For a nation which doesn't play baseball, there are as many baseball caps here as in the USA.

Wearing a short-sleeved shirt, or t-shirt, over the trousers was started by middled aged, obese men to hide the belly. Soon, young guys, not obese, picked up on this.

Consequently, t-shirts started getting shorter and tighter. Bad news for the tubbies.

The short sleeves are for the obligatory tattoos. Are they considered manly? I have none.

Women with tattoos are worse. Since age 12 I have been fascinated by the female form, but not when it resembles a Picasso painting.

But hey, don't mind me folks, rock on! Next time, adverts. Not the silly ones but the ones that insult our intelligence.

BILL BISHOP,

Ballingry.